Ethan Thibault

If I Gave a Valedictorian Speech

May 20, 2018 · 479 words · 2 minute read

So I graduated yesterday which is a whole thing and I’m feeling lots of things, but during the seemingly interminable commencement exercises was a particularly interesting moment for me. Our valedictorian spoke for a solid five minutes, and I can not tell you what they said. They opened with thanking the elder wizards in regalia behind them, and a sheepish platitude of “we made it!”, which is sort of the greatest hit of college addresses, an easy way to get in some crowd participation.

But the rest? I don’t think it even registered, and I when I had sat back down from getting my diploma placeholder I couldn’t help but have a little daydream of what I’d say if I was valedictorian and had a chance to speak to my peers, professors, and the shadow council of trustees that actually dictate how a college operates. Here’s what I jotted down:

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Important: Do NOT thank the board of trustees, the president, or anyone else before starting. Put glasses on the end of your nose. Channel Paul Giamatti as much as possible. Aging makeup optional.

“A thing isn’t beautiful because it lasts.”

This is a line from the...

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